rekkidblogga

One step at a time

There was a time when I must have seemed like a freak to other people, back when I walked four miles a day, seven days a week. Posting 28 miles a week? Totally normal to me. Back in 2003. And even then, I felt so out of shape - like I could be doing more. Obviously, if I was capable of getting in 28 miles then why couldn't I do an extra 2.5 miles every couple of days? After all, 6.5 miles is the length of a 10K - specifically, the Peachtree Road Race, which I speedwalk/jog each July 4 - and it seemed to me back then that if I could generally put in the 6.5 miles a couple times a week I'd be more than ready for the race.

But these days I must be slipping - no, I freely admit that I have slipped back somewhat into the depression that I'll be battling all my life. Don't worry; I'm not depressed to the point where I'm miserable. I'm still seeing my doctor and my therapist and they agree that I'm much better than I was when I first started coming to them. It's just that my life has changed dramatically since my father's death last December and I'm going through an adjustment period. I'm now primarily responsible for my mother's care, which is OK with me, but it's definitely a change. It's difficult. When my dad was here, even when he was sick, at least he was still *here*. Now when I'm not here, my mom is alone. And that worries me. I don't want her to get sick, fall or feel lonely. I love my mom more than anyone in the world. She's 78. I'm 34. I'll never have as much time with her as I wish I could have.

Today my therapist suggested that, until I can leave work early enough in the afternoons to get back into my regular walk/jog routine at the local park, I should start small. Instead of using the elevator to get to my 8th floor desk, he said, take the stairs. I did that - twice, in fact - and it felt so good to challenge myself again in a minor way, to not take the lazy way out, to break out of even one routine that I feel guilty for letting myself fall prey to when I know there's a better, more positive way.

posted by rekkidbraka @ 10:05 PM